FPNSW: Sex Matters: FAQs: Recently, after a few drinks, I found myself giving in to sexual activity with an older male acquaintance. It escalated into what I guess could be called D&S (dominant & submissive) play involving restraint, painful biting & slapping and general dirty talk. (With him overpowering me.) While part of me enjoyed it, another part was terrified. Problems began when it seemed as though once restraint was in place, all boundaries were lost. He knew I did not agree to having unprotected sex, yet I recall on 2 occasions throughout the night feeling his penetration and repeatedly screaming no, fighting him; however having not agreed on any 'safeword' I guess he took it as part of the game and both times continued to thrust for several moments before pulling out, stroking me and asking what was the matter. He later held me down to cum all over my face and smeared it with his hands, laughing. This behaviour freaked me right out as it seemed like being with a stranger, rather than someone I knew. I realise it was all part of acting out a fantasy of domination & restraint, but now I feel dirty, confused and intimidated by this man. What went wrong?

FAQs

Question

Recently, after a few drinks, I found myself giving in to sexual activity with an older male acquaintance. It escalated into what I guess could be called D&S (dominant & submissive) play involving restraint, painful biting & slapping and general dirty talk. (With him overpowering me.) While part of me enjoyed it, another part was terrified. Problems began when it seemed as though once restraint was in place, all boundaries were lost. He knew I did not agree to having unprotected sex, yet I recall on 2 occasions throughout the night feeling his penetration and repeatedly screaming no, fighting him; however having not agreed on any 'safeword' I guess he took it as part of the game and both times continued to thrust for several moments before pulling out, stroking me and asking what was the matter. He later held me down to cum all over my face and smeared it with his hands, laughing. This behaviour freaked me right out as it seemed like being with a stranger, rather than someone I knew. I realise it was all part of acting out a fantasy of domination & restraint, but now I feel dirty, confused and intimidated by this man. What went wrong?

Answer

It sounds like this turned into a very bad experience for you, where you felt very frightened and out of control. No wonder you're feeling quite miserable afterwards.

However, on re-reading your letter, it is obvious from what you write that you are actually very clear and wise about what would have needed to happen for you to feel OK.

Firstly you mention that alcohol was involved. This (or other drugs) may not be a problem, but as we all know, there is a good likelihood that under these conditions people's judgement and decision making can be impaired. This can mean that our ability to look after ourselves or anyone else can be seriously affected.

You then wrote that you "found yourself giving in" to the D & S and feeling that then it seemed "all boundaries were lost". It sounds like part of you even then knew you were getting in to something you weren't totally sure was a good idea. You are also clear about the problem of not having an agreed "safe" word before you started. And perhaps, that you would feel more comfortable if you knew the sexual partner better than you knew this man, so that you would know if you could rely on him not to respect your safe word and agreements.

So maybe your guidelines for safe and enjoyable Dominant & Submissive scenes would go something like this:

*Only play with some one you know you can trust to respect your wishes.
*Communicate very clearly what you each will and will not do before you start and make it completely plain with each other what your limits are.
*Negotiate a safe word (or action) to use to let your partner know when you want your partner to stop, and possibly "slowdown" words.
*Make it clear what your expectations for safe sex are.
*Don't play with anyone who isn't prepared to negotiate and respect the agreements.
*Discuss and renegotiate your agreements every time you play with the same partner, and of course with each new partner.
*Beware of alcohol and drug use adversely affecting your negotiations & play.

These are in fact, what you will find are the basic recommendations in literature about safe play. ACON, (Aids Council of NSW) have a publication for service providers on SM (sado masochism) for women who have sex with women which applies equally for het sex. In this they also recommend talking with other people who are into SM, as well as reading, going to you local AIDS council to find out more about ways of negotiating safety.

Have you thought about talking to the man involved to tell him exactly how you felt about how he behaved and how completely out of line it was?

If you feel you would still like to talk more about this experience to someone to get the yuk feelings out of your system, please call the Family Planning NSW Healthline to talk to a nurse and we can give you some numbers of places you might go. This call is completely confidential. The number is 1300 658 886 for the cost of a local call, between 9am and 5.30pm Monday to Friday Eastern Australian Standard Time.

Thanks for writing and take care of yourself.