FAQs

My boyfriend does not cum when we have sex. We are both our first. Is there something wrong with him or am I not doing enough for him?

Answer

We can understand if you are both worrying about this because it is a bit different from what usually happens. There actually may be no problem at all, but it is good to clarify the possibilities about what might be causing it.

It is important that your boyfriend goes to see a doctor for a checkup to make sure that there is no physical or medical problem. A local doctor, sexual health or youth clinic would be good for this. And then if the checkup is all clear, maybe seeing a counsellor at a sexual health or youth clinic would be the next step. The staffs at these clinics are all very understanding and deal with these sorts of things all the time, and know they can be difficult to talk about. Also the clinics are all confidential.

Our sexual feelings are affected by our physical and emotional lives, so it is helpful to consider the influence of all of these. Firstly, on the physical side, there are some men who can orgasm without ejaculating and there may not be any problem at all. If a man shows all the signs of enjoyment while having sex, and has an increased breathing rate, the build up of tension that happens before an orgasm, then the release of that tension and relaxation after he has had an orgasm, he may just be one of those non-ejaculating men. Or, there a small number of men who naturally have mini orgasms" where they don't ejaculate but they can if they choose delay their orgasm and build up to ejaculation. They might have a lot of these mini orgasms and only ejaculate every now and then.

If a man has previously experienced pain for some reason when he has had an orgasm then his body has a memory of this and it may affect whether he has an orgasm or not. It is like his body wants to protect him from any further pain so removes the possibility of it recurring as much as possible. The original pain may have been due to an injury to the foreskin or if the foreskin is too tight. This can be treated. Then there is a problem some men will experience at some time of their lives called retarded ejaculation. This is when a man does not come although he gets an erection and feels like he will and wants to come. This can be to do with some prescription medications (for example antidepressants) or other drugs and some illnesses but mostly in younger men it is emotional issues that cause this. For instance some men may have anxieties about pregnancy resulting from them having sex and this may perhaps lead to unconscious tightening of the muscles around the genitals and limiting of the orgasm. Retrograde ejaculation another condition where the man sees no ejaculate (or cum) where the ejaculate goes backwards into the bladder instead of out through the urethra is usually caused by surgery damage to the nerve supply around the genitals illness or medications.

Do you know if your partner ejaculates if he masturbates by himself? Or if you stimulate his penis with your hand? If he does but just does not ejaculate while having sex perhaps there are some emotional things that are affecting him. Have you had a talk about any worries that each of you might have about your relationship and sex together?

Communication and being sensitive to each other are some of the most important ingredients of pleasurable sex. Just talking honestly with each other about where you are in your relationship what you like sensually and sexually your fears and needs anything else that you may not have been able to express will often go a long way to help solve any difficulties you are experiencing. Or if there are no problems it will quite likely increase your closeness and pleasure with each other. If you can talk with each other about what you are doing that you really like anything that doesn't do it for you or anything that you would really like more of - this may solve the problem for you of feeling like you are not doing enough to please your partner. To communicate well it is useful to get really clear about the things that are important for you or concerning you about how you are in the relationship. Ultimately we are each responsible for our own pleasure and our own orgasms.

Some other Question and Answers that might be helpful around this for you both can also be found on our web site. Just click on http://www.fpnsw.org.au/sex-matters/faq/sex_20020327.html

Also this one might be useful for your partner: http://www.fpnsw.org.au/sex-matters/faq/orgasm_20070824.html - it is about orgasms and is in answer to a question from a woman but some of the same things apply to men as well. It can take a while for new partners to relax and get used to each other and to find out what each other likes. And when you first start having sex that takes a while to get used to as well and find out what you like.